Saturday, June 03, 2006
AdFolk: Satan's Prawns BusinessLeaders: Satan's Offal
Oh, they suck, they suck, they SUCK. Being in the printing business for a lot of years, I worked with advertising agencies, advertising consultants, people who thought they'd save big bucks by creating their own advertising. There really are excellent, creative, honest people in the business. Mostly they either work for small to medium size agencies or start their own. It's a brutal business in many ways. I don't care. The overall picture involves SUCKING.
Ironically enough, one of the comments on a recent blog was by some fly-by-night organization offering fake college degrees! They made sure to post their phone number twice, so I called it. I got the opportunity to leave a message, and instructions to speak clearly! They must love me.
I left them a message. Probably shouldn't repeat it here. Fellaters were mentioned. Graphically.
Now, there was this computer company. Hired this young stoner-type guy, very friendly face, engaging personality. His trademark saying was, "Dude, you're getting a (computer company name unposted)." GREAT ad campaign. The company made MILLIONS from it. All us ex-stoners and even the non-stoner types recognized that lad for what he was. So it was no big surprise when he got busted while out trying to buy some pot. Now, there could be, as I see it, two responses to this unfortunate incident: either drop his ass like a hot substance on a bare hand, or rally behind him, say the usual platitudes like, "Oh, we had NO idea! That boy needs HELP! We'll sponsor him in drug rehab and education!" One of those is humane and would put the sponsoring company in a good light; the other would show them as greedy, money-sucking heartless bastards. I wonder how they handled that?
Oh, by the way: J.G. Wentworth: your ads still STINK. Geico: PLEASE find some FUNNY people to write ads for your gecko. Every car dealership anywhere: a lot of us still LIKE hot women. Some fast-talkin' plain-lookin' babe in a gray flannel skirt halfway between knees and ankles and a blouse my grandma wouldn't wear ain't gettin' it. Kirstie Alley: What in HELL was wrong with your old hair color? NOTHING. The blonde things SUCKS on you. Wilford Brimley: Make 'em write you some new stuff, ok? We ALL KNOW Liberty will do wonderful things for you.
Since I'm now wandering aimlessly, here goes: Whoever did "Cody Banks II": What happened to Angie Harmon? WHY ISN'T SHE IN YOUR MOVIE? You think Anthony Anderson is any kind of substitute? Heck, keep him, but without Harmon and her funky 60s retro-sexy-spy-maven outfits, that movie STANK. STUNK. Whatever.
You know who's getting creative here? Churches. Billboard advertisers. What's up TV, Radio, Newspapers and Magazines? Did all the really GOOD ad people bail when cigarette companies took it up the poop chute? You'd think there would have been a cleansing, all the very BEST people would land jobs in top agencies, the mediocre would have been forced to go find real jobs.
Guess not.
"Are you tired of feminine itching and odor?" What an ad! You got these 3 cuties telling you the product name after an overdub mentions "after douching" "after sex" and I'm damned if I can remember that 3rd one. The look in the eyes of the "after sex" girl leaves me with leaping boneage that sucks ALL excess blood from my system and slams it into the schlong. I have trouble with my name and identifying the ringing of the telephone right after that ad.
Ok, I've ranted enough. For about the last month, I haven't visited BigHominid's website. Did it today. Chock FULL of good shit. He's got this thing going about suicide, and he's kind of harsh on suiciders if you choose to take it that way. Biggles, you may or may not remember, my brother suicided when he was 19. You are RIGHT on track. Stick to your guns on that issue, and PISS on dissenting opinions. Or send 'em to me and I'll piss on 'em. Somebody in horrid pain, and near the end of their life with no chance of recovery, I can see it. But others? People with the potential for lives ahead of them? No. FUCK no.
There's a link on this blog somewhere to Hominid's place. Give him a visit. You won't be sorry.
If you don't like him, well, he's way over in Korea so I must magnanimously offer my sweaty fetid ass-crack for you to run your tongue through to realign your thought process. I don't charge much for this service. I've been prepping that former piece of rain forest I call a yard for the pool, so it (ass-crack, mentioned above) should be loaded with undefineable aromas by now, and I'm headed back out for a bit to do some machete work.
Remember, good little boys and girls sleep with their hands above the covers. So don't.
Debonair Suaveroot,
Off To Do Vegetation Carnage
Thanks for the shout-out, man. How've you been?
Yeah, I was thinking about you & your bro when I wrote that piece, and was worried that what I wrote might rub you the wrong way. But it seems to me you understood that my attitude was one of tough love, not sneering at the fallen.
The American blogger who killed himself in Beijing was named Shawn Matthews. His friend Jake, also in Beijing, wrote a long post about the events leading up to Shawn's death. At the end of it, Jake's post took on something of an angry tone, but I think some people missed the fact that his anger was actually an expression of friendship and love.
I wouldn't wish such an experience on anyone (except maybe Muslim terrorists)-- losing a loved one through suicide is something I can't begin to imagine. I count myself lucky. If anyone tried such a thing in my family or my circle of friends, it would damn near destroy me.
So anyway, I'm glad you caught what I was getting at and didn't see it as merely pissing on the dead. I've got two little brothers, and if anything happened to either of them, I don't know what I'd do. Those two little guys (well, not so little anymore) mean more than life to me.
I'm sure the same was true for you and your bro, which is why I say in all honesty that I can't begin to understand how you feel. But I can, at least, admire and respect how you've dealt with things over the years, and hold that up as an example should anything similar-- God forbid-- happen to me.
Thanks again, man. Hope all's well.
Kevin
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