Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Ereptile And Other Dysfunctions
Greetings campers!
This here's Debonair Suaveroot, your Manic Insomniac, blogging instead of sensibly hitting the sack.
Now, as far as I know, I was the first one to misname Erectile Dysfunction as Ereptile Dysfunction. I think it's a more pleasant way to describe the problem. Why bring this up? The commercials! I LOVE those commercials. The ways that they cracks me up seem to also effect nearly every other TV-watching male in the U.S. Incidentally, I didn't try to copyright Ereptile Dysfunction. Use it as you will. But if you EVER try to sue ME over the rights to it, I'll hunt you down and urinate on your lawn ornaments. I hate to be harsh, but I feel strongly about this.
"If you have a priapism, an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor." What does EVERY guy say?
"Hell, if I have one lasting more than four hours, I'm calling the Guinness Book Of World Records." Ok, we've all said it.
Somebody come up with a new one. I'm fresh out.
Of course, there are other problems. "If you experience a loss of vision..." "AIEEEEE! I'm fuckin' BLIND." Sorry, but someone had to say it, ok? I can't remember the name of the product that features Bob, the guy with the huge grin, but frankly, that's the one stiffy-making commercial worth watching. "Natural Male Enhancement." Yeah. That's the ticket.
What I'm wondering is, why all of a sudden is there a nationwide surge of limp dicks? Is this a new thing, or just suddenly they've finally found products that don't drop you from a coronary in the middle of playing hide the sausage? Hell, they've not even done that. They TELL you to make sure your doc says it's ok for you to have sex.
You think men won't risk that? Gimme a break. Would you rather take the deep plunge from walking or swimming, a good meal, or while you're waxing the wand? (Note to any extreme feminists who stumble across this blog: Yes, I know I am. Yes, I need sensitivity training. No, I'm not going to get it.)
Speaking of feminism, is that partly to blame for this epidemic of flat-lined schlongage? Maybe in part. Guys don't know how to act around women anymore. There are lots of people willing to tell them, for a large amount of money, but the information from "expert" to "expert" is varied and often useless or close to it. Women themselves never have and never will be able to pin down what they want, how in hell are guys supposed to figure it out? It's impossible.
Incidentally, I'm not completely against feminism. I think some of the aims of it are important and necessary to improve society. I think some of the aims are insane and destructive. I think the same thing about our politicians. I also think my opinion isn't going to effect anything.
I guess age, flab and the resulting surge of diabetes is probably more to blame. My Dad was diabetic. I attained obesity and borderline diabetes, and I'm still fighting off the flab. Guys, this is CRITICAL. It's hard to hump when you're fat. You're also really gnarly looking naked. Have you ever seen those blind African frogs? They're pale white. Check 'em out sometime, and remember, you may very well look worse. Non-white readers? You don't look any better. Dump the fat.
I've read that a lot of guys are burned out from bad marriages and don't really get into dating or trying to find another woman. MISTAKE. There are more out there. Good ones. Nice ones. Honorable ones. Some of them aren't all burned out because of buttwipe men, too. Go find one. They're as lonely as you are.
Will someone besides me PLEASE tell Vonage that the "music" on their commercials SUCKS? That "Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo" crap grates on me every time I hear it. It would probably save me money by getting their service, but not if it encourage them not to fire their ad agency and move on. What moron suggested that insane, torturous sound, and what fool approved it? Get some TASTE, people! Others are using old rock songs. I've heard the Stones' "Wild Horses", Lennon's "Imagine" and others. They're nice! They're music. Get a freakin' CLUE, would ya?
Now, in addition to the 10,000 other famous women I've got the hots for, ya know who I like? The Leptoprin woman. Not Leptopril, with the cute little brunette, LeptoPRIN. That poor woman has been insulted every way you can think of. Her hair, her presentation, everything. I don't care. I want an autographed picture of her. I wanta know her name. I'll send her fan mail. I won't stalk her, though. I'm way too lazy to do that. Plus it's undignifed.
Ok, that's it for commercials for now. What else needs my attention? Ah. Soldiers and "reporters".
Now, I've got YEARS of journalism training behind me. So I'm not just talking out my butt here. Here's the basics:
Who, What, When, Where and How. That's their job. Report those things. They're supposed to do it in a fair and balanced manner. Here's the problem: they don't. They don't even KNOW they're not doing it in some cases. People do NOT realize the power of their teachers back in school. You see your life as a long string of events leading up to what you are now. They see you as someone they have a limited time to have an effect on. Suppose you're basically a Conservative and, in modern times, God help you, a Christian in a public school. It's HARD to stand up for your beliefs when they're unpopular. It's easier to downplay and go along. Peer approval is important, and authority figures' approval often is, as well. Teachers can be some of the most evil manipulators you'll ever encounter. A raised eyebrow, a disapproving look, is often enough to affect a kid. This could be the subject of a very long blog in itself, but I'm going to try to stay focused on journalism here.
I'm not suggesting that we need more conservative journalists to offset the overwhelming majority of ultra-liberal ones currently in the media business. What I'm suggesting is that the parent companies need to encourage something that's not been done since the 60s. UNBIASED reporting. NOT liberally slanted, NOT conservatively slanted, but presenting both sides when possible, and NO side even more frequently. Report the FACTS. "Journalism" is a sad, unfunny joke.
Right now, there are Americans overseas fighting to protect us. The media is putting every kind of slant on this that they can, but don't be fooled. Those young people are there trying to keep this world a safe place for US. If you lose sight of that, you're a dupe and fool, and I'd like to rub my nasty asshole on your nose. They are AMERICANS. They are OUR PEOPLE. Whether you agree with this war or not, don't turn your back on them. There are organizations that send them care packages. You don't have to do a damn thing but write a check, or put a little money on your credit card. If you disagree with this war, tell your "representatives" in government, but do NOT turn your back on people risking their lives so you can preserve your way of life.
Be good. Be good citizens. Don't piss my butt off, ok?
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